Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

Living on the Edge

The other day I got a text message from a girlfriend of mine. We usually talk and/or text several times a week and we hadn’t in a couple of days. Her text basically said, ‘We haven’t made contact in a few days…just checking on you’. I laughed and texted her back that the same thought had occurred to me earlier in the day and that I would call her later. Considering the last couple of weeks I’ve had it was reassuring to know that someone other than my immediate family was checking up on me.

The past six months of my life have been difficult on several levels – the loss of family members, personal health issues, sick kids, work, LIFE. There have been many days that I’ve had to force myself out of bed, force myself to get dressed and force myself to act as if all is right with the world. I’ve questioned who I was and my place in the world and I’ve spent a lot of times questioning if how I maneuver in relationships is tied to my anxiety and depression. The answer is yes.

I joke with my husband that I am not easy to love. He agrees and laughs but knows exactly what I mean. I am deeply passionate about what matters to me and deeply unbothered by what doesn’t. I can also, for many people, be too much. And the older I get, the less inclined I am to be around and make nice with people who only tell me what I want to hear or who can’t handle my ‘too-muchness’. Not because I don’t value them or expect them to deal with me but because I’ve spent a lot of my adult life being ashamed and trying not to be too much and I’m well, over it.

Here’s the thing, in order to function in life and be successful, we all need a champion – someone or many someones to have our back. I would say, from personal experience, that people with mental illness especially need champions who will be there through the ups and downs. We need people who will text or call when our usual pattern of communication changes. We need people who aren’t afraid to say that we’ve changed and who aren’t afraid to tell us what we need to hear – even if it hurts.

Everything I’ve just said may be too much for someone. And that’s okay. But really, everything I write, especially about this topic, is to add perspective to other people’s narratives. I know what it’s like to feel alone, to feel like no one cares, and to feel like people only want to be around you when you’re ‘happy’. If that’s you – if you can’t handle someone else’s ‘too-muchness’, let them know – don’t keep them dangling, because they’re already on the edge.

Until next time…

Note – I’m taking a break from social media for awhile so if you have a comment that you want me to see, please comment directly through WordPress. And once again, thank you all for the support.





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