Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

New Year’s Resolutions

Got ya! I stopped making resolutions about seven years ago. It’s not a coincidence that my boycott of this tradition began when I suffered from post-partum depression. To a very large degree, my depression was triggered by motherhood not going as planned. The perfect picture I had in my head quickly turned into a tragedy of sorts; so, I decided that coming up with these grand plans that might just fall apart wasn’t in my best interest.

And so here we are, just days away from a new year and this morning a friend sent me a graphic about starting over. It was of a clock and the 12 was 2017. Each hour was labeled with words like death, despair, sadness, etc. As the time passed the words got wiped away and after one full turn around the clock, it struck 2018 and the words were replaced by healing, health, blessings, etc. The whole thing got me thinking about what 2017 has been like and I decided to make a resolution for 2018. A simple one, that really is sometime that I should’ve been doing – I’m going to take each day as it comes.

Here’s the thing – 2017 has been exhausting on so many levels. It started off okay, and I mean just okay, but then my uncle passed and that still quite hasn’t sunk in. Then there was the surprise discovery of fungus growing in my sinuses – which explained why I’d been miserable since October of 2016. School started and we had a parent conference about my son the first week of school – he’s my rogue one. Then came the gut punch that finally sent me over the edge – the full time job I started the year with came down to the option of no job at all or half a job with almost half the pay. By October of this year I was pretty much done. I had prayed, cried, cursed, wailed, sobbed, cursed some more and lashed out at dear friends because my greatest fear had been found out – change.

But the most amazing thing happened between October 2nd and now. I lived. I did almost exactly what I wanted to every single day (I say almost because I can at times be like the mother in ‘When Doves Cry’). I had to move away from my comfort zone of shopping just because, eating out just because, etc. just because, just because I could. But I also found my voice. I was able to say out loud that I stayed in a particular position not because it was ideal, but because it got me exactly what I needed (I am NOT talking about my marriage here). I was able to say out loud that working a full time job and being a mother and wife were kicking my butt and that maybe other people could pull it off but I was crazy tired. And I was able to finally go see my therapist and unload and dump all of the grief, sorrow, frustration, and anguish that I’d been holding on to since January of 2016. And I’ve done it one day at a time.

One of the many things that I’ve prayed for consistently over the last three years is that I could stop working full time. And although it absolutely did not happen the way I planned, it did happen. But at least once a week I’ve worried that it won’t be sustainable. But as I move in to 2018, one thing is clear – I have to live it one day at a time. I have to pray for it one day at a time. And I have to have faith that God will see it through – one day at a time. Maybe not in the way I want it – because it’s His decision after all. But I am often reminded that my one day is not the same as God’s one day.

Until next time…

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