Mama Bunkfish

My gray eyelash is back. I noticed it last week as I was fidgeting with my contacts. I hoped and prayed that it was matter from the irritation of the pollen reeking havoc on my life; but, it wasn’t. My marker of internalized stress is back – it’s long.

The first time I noticed the discolored lash was a few months after my daughter was born. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of my mom’s job, waiting for her to come out and see the baby and so I could pretend I wasn’t drowning in post-partum depression. As I glanced in the overhead mirror I saw a shimmer. After blinking for what seemed like a thousand times, I realized that it was a gray eyelash. Here’s the thing – I didn’t and still don’t have a gray hair on my head. While my husband seems to have three new ones pop up every week, and he’s three months younger than I am, I have not gotten a single one. I panicked that soon my whole head would be gray. And considering that I didn’t have my daughter until I was 29, I worried that people would think I was ‘old’. Low and behold, after I came out of my terrible bout of post-partum depression, the gray eyelash disappeared.

It’s only ever made a reappearance when things in life are, by my standards, out of control. Like when my son started having ear infections every six weeks. Or when his first set of ear tubes came out after six months. Or when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. Or when, or when, or when. Medication and therapy have helped me manage most of my physical reactions to stress but apparently not enough to stop the lash from popping out.

So here we are, about six weeks out from the end of another school year, and I’m a nervous wreck. You see, I’ve made a decision to make a major career change. I was pushed into a part-time situation in October and it changed my life. Yes, financially it was a hit to our bank account. But God did and still does provide so the only hit was to the way we thought about money. The biggest change though was in who I’ve become as a wife and a mother. Save the usual annoyances all wives and mothers face, I’ve been more patient, more helpful, and more willing to be Suzy Homemaker than I ever have before. And I love it. Yes, wiving and mothering are relentless and sometimes I don’t feel appreciated but there’s nothing more gratifying than cleaning an entire house, getting the laundry done, and running errands with a smile. But there’s one tiny problem. This change also forced me out of my comfort zone. It opened my eyes to how I was allowing myself to be treated and pushed me right off the edge. But it’s even more complicated than that – I’ve never left a job without having another one. I’m a responsible adult. I have excellent credit, no debt except a mortgage, and I tithe. How could I possibly even consider walking away without a solid plan and a ‘guaranteed’ paycheck? I have faith that God can and will provide. But this gray eyelash? It’s making me question just how deep my faith is…

To be continued…