Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

Bunkley, Party of 4 

It seems like once a month someone asks me if we’re going to have any more children. I immediately answer no and throw out a remark about being a millionaire if I end up pregnant. The truth is, it was not an easy decision for us to make. 

As I wrote in my post Free Falling, I developed major post partum depression after the birth of my daughter. Very soon after I started recovering from it I became pregnant with my son. I’m thankful to say I did not experience PPD with him but I continue to live with clinical depression and anxiety disorder. And in all honesty – that’s why we don’t plan on there being a Bunkley child #3. 

Sure, there were other factors (money, time, age, lack of sleep) that played in to our decision, but there finally came a point where I had to accept that I didn’t have mentally and emotionally what I needed to have another child. Don’t get me wrong, I know that if it’s God’s will it will happen anyway. But I also know that I prayed for clarity about what I could handle. 

I knew the anxiety I felt when I had  to run errands alone with both kids.  I knew the frustration I felt when my husband would have to work late and I would be on my own for dinner and bedtime. I knew how sleep deprivation was exacerbating my depression and anxiety. And I knew that the two beautiful children I already had deserved a mother who could think clearly and handle being a Mom a little better. And I knew how far I’d come and how much I’d grown – so we called it a quits. 

For a long time I wouldn’t, couldn’t tell most people that’s why we didn’t have any more kids. But the more I talk about it, the more I share my story, the more I hope someone else knows it’s okay. So as far as I’m concerned, we’ll be Bunkley, party of 4. And that’s just fine by me. 

Until next time…

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