Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

One Step at a Time

Today I decided to take a walk with my family. I spent all last night working myself up to it. It’s not that I don’t like exercise. I actually love the way it makes me feel emotionally. But it’s physically painful…more on that later. I put on my walking clothes, laced up my shoes, did some stretches and was off. I was feeling good. We made it to the end of our block and turned the corner. Still feeling good. Then my left foot started cramping up. I kept walking, stopping every five steps or so to stretch it on the sidewalk. We walked some more and my leg started to ache and my rear started to lock up. At that point I had to be honest with myself – it was time to turn around and go home. Slight detour (I was born with club feet that are also extremely flat. Over the years, cute shoes and weight gain have done me no favors. My feet are, bad – that was the diagnosis by the podiatrist – sometimes it’s so bad the diagnosis is just bad).

I got home and refused to be defeated. I texted a couple girlfriends the shenanigans for laughs and said that tomorrow my goal was 10 minutes. Each day I would fight through the pain and add a minute. One of my friends responded, “literally step-by-step, one day at a time”. After I read it a second time, something clicked. This time at home has been rough. My anxiety and depression are heightened and my youngest child is struggling with the massive change in his daily routine. There have been tears, screaming, arguments, and lots of hugs and reassurances. There was also me saying out loud that I wish people would also remember that Jesus got angry and grieved as well and to remember that we’re going through that. (Yes friends, we’re grieving but that’s for a different post). In the midst of all the pain, frustration, and angst, as well as the laughs and memories, (last night we had a freestyle rap battle) I’ve held to one thing – if I can get up every day, and just take it one day at a time, I can get through this. I tend to get bogged down in details. The how and the why matter to me a lot. The what ifs and the why nots wear me out. But right now, I have to let that go. If I spend too much time concerned with tomorrow, I will go off the deep end. If I spend too much time worried about what will happen when the world “opens up” again, I will lose my mind. Friends, more than anything I’m learning to give myself grace. It’s okay if I’m angry, sad, frustrated, mad, and happy all in a span of 10 minutes. But every day, I have to get up and take one more step and live this life one day at a time.

Please reach out to friends, family, counselors, and/or clergy if you’re struggling. There’s nothing “wrong” with you and all of your emotions are valid. I have great references for counselors and clergy.

Until we get to go outside…


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