Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

Lose Control

I’m a recovering Control Freak. As I lay in my bed one night, eight months pregnant with my daughter lamenting about how she must be born at a certain time, my husband kindly told me that I didn’t control anything. I wanted to punch him in the face. Not because he wasn’t right, but because I didn’t want to hear that.

It took me losing control of my mind to finally give in to what I know is true. Up until that point I had spent the majority of my life thinking that I controlled the universe. I had submitted my life to Christ, but I hadn’t relinquished my control, the control I never even had, to Him.

Here’s the thing…there’s a lot of people like me out there.  For many of us our brains can’t handle it when we think we’ve lost control. My uncontrolled anxiety disorder would send me into a tailspin when I thought things were out of my control. And for many people with anxiety and depression, that feeling can be devastating and crippling.

What my husband said to me that night six years ago has taken a while to really sink in. Don’t get me wrong, there are many days that I have rants about things I can’t control. I’ve conned myself into believe that it’s just normal frustration…ha! But I’ve come a long way.

It’s never easy to give up something that has been a part of who you are for most of your life. But oftentimes it’s necessary so that you can get through the rest of your life.

Until next time…

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