Mama Bunkfish

Navigating marriage, motherhood, and mental illness on Jesus, caffeine, and naps!

The Tears of a Clown

I got pushed today. Not physically – I’d still be laying on the ground – but spiritually and emotionally. I’ve been writing on this blog for almost two years. I’ve talked about everything from politics to education, to my kids mimicking me at Starbucks. But today, I realized that I needed to focus on what’s in my heart; I needed to say some things that might turn people away but would hopefully turn people inward, to their heart, and most importantly to God and His voice.

I found out last week that I wasn’t being asked back to my school. I wrote about it in Deadbolted and Padlocked: 6 Weeks ‘Til Summer Part 5. Without giving too much away, because I really want you to read it, God shut that door and it was a huge relief. But the scary part came next – the realization that the door I have been yearning to go through is very likely about to open and maybe I’m not ready. This morning when I woke up though, there was something different. Maybe it was the fitful dreams I had last night – anxiety about a coming trip my children are about to take, or the one about not having a job that brings home a substantial income. Whatever it was, I did something that I had been too embarrassed to do – I walked down the aisle and went for prayer. When I walked in the sanctuary, I knew God wanted me to give it over to Him and have somebody pray for me. And in His fashion, He allowed for one of those people to be a very dear sister-friend who knows my story.

I spend a lot of time on social media; some might say even too much. But through blogging and social media, I’ve been able to say things that might otherwise go unheard. I’ve been able to talk about the struggle of living with mental illness, the less than perfect journey of motherhood, and as of today, what it’s like being a black woman, in today’s America and in the future, raising black children in a world that isn’t kind, or just. I’ve held back so much because I like to make people laugh. Laughter is really the best medicine and if I can put a smile on someone’s face, it feels good. But I’m tired of just making people smile. I want them to think. I want them to listen. I want them to question everything they’ve ever believed in. And I want the same for myself. I’m stubborn and I will argue with a tree. But when it’s said and done, when I’m up in the middle of the night, I mull over those conversations and wonder if I missed something that couldn’t allow me to see it their way. Sometimes I realize what I said was off base and other times, I realize that what I said, was what I said.

Here’s the thing. God gives each of us a life to live. He allows things to happen to us, not for us, but for others. I started writing about my depression and anxiety to heal myself. I keep writing about it so that others will be encouraged to start their own healing process. I started #MomCorlissVSCorlissCorliss to keep it real with myself. I keep doing it so that no mother, anywhere, has to feel like everybody else is doing it right but them. (And trust me, anybody who acts like they’ve got it all figured out – doesn’t.) And I will write more about being a black woman in America, raising black children because whether people choose to believe it or not, there is a disproportionate number of children of color getting left behind in schools and falling through the cracks because of implicit and explicit bias and I cannot sit idly by. There are going to be critics. People who say I share too much, think I know it all, am stirring the pot, am self-righteous, and on, and on, and on. But I’ll stop, only if and when they find the lie. We can continue to ignore the hurting and disenfranchised. We can continue to tell people to suck it up, go outside more, and put down the phone. But that doesn’t solve anything. That doesn’t help that teenager that wants to take their own life. That doesn’t help that mother who feels like a failure because they couldn’t breastfeed or doesn’t have their child on a soy free, gluten free, vegan diet and vaccinates their children. (Side note – I have opinions about a lot of parenting stuff and it’s all based on my ways. But this anti-vaxxing – I just can’t even understand that…I’m just saying…I believe in Western medicine). And it’s most certainly not going to help those children who are getting lost in schools every day because somebody chooses not to respect or attempt to understand their culture, religion, and language.

If you want to ride with me on this journey – let’s go. If you don’t – that’s fine – you can get off here and thank you for coming this far. The journey is going to be fast at times and slow at others (which is really frustrating for some of my friends). But it’s a journey I have to take and I can’t wait to see where GOD is going to take me.

Until next time…


3 comments found

  1. GM,My Sista. What a blessing just for me. A spiritual transition takes us little by little or one step at a time. Love you, so don’t get frustrated in the process. Remain thankful that you was the one He chose to walk this journey for someone else, so in the meantime. It’s in the preparation that we find humility in the path to peace. Press in and through my Sista. It take one step at a time or little by little. Read Deut 7: and see what Moses told the Children of Israel. Love ya

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